LAZY SHEEP SIT AROUND ON BANANA LOUNGES

Lazy sheep sit around on banana lounges all day smoking cigars while eating cornflakes. They never take their sunglasses off. They get on their chunky-ass 1987 mobile phones and bitch to other lazy sheep in the neighbourhood about how the grass just ain't no good no more, and they're too lazy to even go in the swimming pool. Of course, there are alligators in the swimming pool, so maybe it's not just laziness, maybe it's common sense. Maybe I need to give these lazy sheep more credit and stop peering over the fence like the guy in tool time and mind my own business.

TREACHEROUS PIRATES GOT INSIDE MY MOUTH

Treacherous pirates got inside my mouth and stole all my fillings and then the holes got all filled up with food and fucked up my dental hygiene, and by the time I noticed they were gone with the wind. "Damn you, Bluebeard!", I shouted, "this wasn't part of the deal!", shaking my fist impotently in the air. My mother told me never to make deals with pirates, especially treacherous pirates. I mean, when they all have jackets with "treacherous pirates" embroidered on the back, you can' blame anyone but yourself for being grifted.

I GOT SOME CHEMOTHERAPY

I got some chemotherapy and it made my bones so strong that they were were like indestructible ultra-lead pipes. When I died and all my flesh rotted away the bones remained gleaming and unbreakable. After the apocalypse, when the apes rose again, the ape that found my bones essentially had the nuclear weapons stash and became a brutal overlord over all other apes, keeping them in line with blows from my indestructible femur.

MY UNCLE WORE A CARDIGAN

My uncle wore a cardigan with a slogan on it embroidered in diamonties. The slogan was so profane that my eyes would not allow the information to be sent through to my brain, my eyes would see it and say, "Sorry, no dice", and send it right back through the refracted light airways. My uncle seemed a little miffed that I was not reacting to his offensive cardigan and he was always waggling it's puffy sleeves in front of me and then storming off in a huff. During of of these huffs he stormed right off a cliff and died. Later, I read in the newspaper about the cardigan his corpse had been found wearing and only then was I able to understand what his strange attitude toward me had been all about.

A CAT SITS IN THE SUNSHINE

A cat sits in the sunshine getting it's cat batteries juiced up with solar sunshine. The sun shines so bright that the batteries get overfull and start to throb and glow radioactive green inside the cat. Bright light shoots from it's eyes and it's meow is so deep that it cracks the concrete for three streets over, while also being so high that all the neighbourhood dogs are driven into tail chasing madness. It is truly a full spectrum, high fidelity meow. The cat levitates and prepares to wreak destruction on the town. but then it changes it's mind and curls back up on the back. This will be a powerful sleep.

THE NEON FLAMINGO

The neon flamingo on my bedside table unhatched itself from it's stand and went walking along my floor looking for neon fish. There were no neon fish to be found so it fell to the floor crying neon tears. I was moved by it's plight and went to order some neon fish from the same place I ordered the neon flamingo. Maybe I would also order it a neon toucan to keep it company. Flamingos and toucans get on, right? I was filling up my cart and then I realised it would take a couple days for more neon to arrive and in the meantime this neon flamingo would be here crying on my floor and I just couldn't deal with that. "Alright", I said to the flamingo, "I'm gonna go out and buy you some neon fish right now, don't freak out and break yourself while i'm gone."

THE AIR BEING PUSHED OUT OF A SAXOPHONE BELL

The air being pushed out of a saxophone bell causes a ripple in everything that makes tiny incremental changes to the world. Sparks get sparkier and movements get slightly wider and the falling down is slightly arrested and waves hold at their peak just for a microsecond longer and someone in a hot air balloon staring down at the world thinking about their whole life and everybody else's feels the ripple come up and pass through them and swirl into the fire that keeps the hot air balloon floating.

I STOOD BENEATH A WEEPING WILLOW TREE

I stood beneath a weeping willow tree, it's tears came in great globs all over my face as I stared up, trying to figure out what I could do or say to comfort it. It wailed in great breathy heaving sighs, seemingly inconsolable. I patted it's trunk gently, asked if it would like some tea, tried to fix my gaze in a visage of kindness and understanding. Slowly it's cries subsided and it put a branch gingerly around my shoulder, inviting me in. I hugged the willow tree as tight as I could and tried to get as much empathy transfer in the embrace as I could.

I FLOATED ON A LOG DOWNSTREAM

I floated on a log downstream. I was a beaver.  I knew this log was the only thing keeping me afloat but I also wanted to eat the log. I started to nibble at it and my beaver mother slapped me on the back of the head. She glared at me and handed over a bag of log shaped candies. I frowned and sat there chewing on them. It just wasn't the same. I couldn't wait to move out of log and have my own log and eat my log and drown myself as I pleased.

I WAS DRIP FED LIQUID NITOGEN

I was drip fed liquid nitrogen in my hospital bed, it made my veins silver and frozen and alive. My skin took on a purple silver hue and my eyes a brilliant emerald green. When I had been wholly infused, I stepped out of my hospital bed and floated down the corridor. My breath was visible and everything it touched was frozen hard and cracked. I passed directly though the wall and floated above the freeway. The twinkling lights and the honking horns rippled through me. I blinked rapidly and my eyes changed colour with each blink. I felt right on the edge of ultimate control and complete loss of control.

I STARTED TO NOTICE THAT THIS EMPTY CHILDREN'S PLAYGROUND WAS FULL OF CULTY SYMBOLS

I started to notice that this empty children's playground was full of culty symbols, goats with sashes and spinning roman numerals and pickles that had come to life and so forth. I was just starting to feel disturbed when a chill wind blew in from the arctic and sinister culty children started to emerge from behind every pipe, swing-set and tree, grinning and giggling and giving me murder eyes. I had to think fast. I picked up a large stick, tore my shirt off, wrapped it around the edge of the stick, and lit the shirt on fire. "Stay back you little devils!" I shouted. "I'm crazy!" But they could tell by the way my voice wavered that I was scared, and their little smiles turned even uglier. The feeding would soon commence.