ON THE STREETS OF PARIS

On the streets of Paris, smooth zoot-suited gangsters stroll to the jazz beat, swinging their watch chains and scoping out every establishment for a grand heist. Every other man is a frenemy with an old score to settle and every woman is an ex-lover with unresolved romantic business still to be attended. As they pass, two zoot suited gansters' watch chains get tangled up. It is terribly embarassing. (I dedicate this little vision to my friend Genevieve who just finished her One Story A Day project after 1001 stories x www.instagram.com/one_story_a_day/ )

NEUROLOGICAL PATHWAYS CARVED BY TINY BRAIN PEOPLE

Neuorlogical pathways carved by tiny brain people over many years are destroyed by great torrential floods and lightning storms. Outside interference causes climate change inside my brain and the little brain people say "oh god, why won't our governing body stop with these heedless practices and let us build a stable society in here?" But the governing body is heedless and senseless and wanton and continues in it's stumble through pleasure town in this lost weekend of life.

A DRIFTER WALKS ALONE

A drifter walks alone down a lonely highway. Every pore is clogged with dirt. Every fold of skin is caked toghether. His bindle is ragged and heavy, threatening to split at any moment. A jaguar appears in the distance, gleaming in the sun. It pulls up besides him and the Kate Bush looking beauty in the drivers seat purrs, "Wanna ride?" Suddenly he is transformed into an inspirational soft metal singer, his trials and tribulationss grist for the mill of the greatest inspirational soft metal song of 1987. His time is now.

THE NIGHT WAS SO STILL

The night was so still that every being was struck into stillness by the stillness. The whole world simply listened to the silence and philosophized about where it was at and where it had been and where it was going and when the stillness passed and the wind began to blow again and the cicadas cheeped and the dogs ambled through the alleys, everyone was profoundly changed.

DRIFTING COWBOYS DRIFTED BY

Drifting cowboys drifted by in the wind. They'd been so long between meals they'd become light as a feather and that wicked wind had picked them right up off the ground. I reached my net out on it's long pole and caught one of these emaciated cowboys as he drifted past. I plopped him down on the couch next to me and poured cool stream water into his mouth. His eyes said thankyou.

ANCIENT ROMAN WOMEN IN FASHIONABLE BIKINIS

Ancient roman women in fashionable bikinis do aerobics to the sounds of their old-timey italian opera music and long for the day when they can have proper 80s exercise funk to do their aerobics to. It has been foretold in the scriptures, and they hold out hope that some day their children's children's children's children's children's children will be grooving and sweating to Olivia Newton John and Chaka Khan. What a glorious future. They try to imagine what this music might sound like. It is a tantalizing vision for the internal brain ear.

A LOTUS BLOSSOM CATCHES A SNOWFLAKE

A lotus blossom catches a snowflake and closes around it. The lotus stays closed through a barren fall and a new spring and a hot summer and another winter and several times this cycle rotates. Many years later the lotus blossom unfurls and the snowflake has germinated into a snowman with a carrot nose and a walking stick. He is ready to begin his brutal reign over the land. His eyes burn with fire, yet his flesh remains unmelted.

GLAMOUROUS LAMPS

Glamourous lamps chatted and flirted and smoked cigarettes from cigarette holders. The party was full of them. Big tall ones, little desk lamps, even some of those stage lighting parcans with fancy gel coloured faces. They flicked their beaded dangles around and dimmed seductively in and out and sometimes went dark altogether, their fellow lamps saying "Gretta, Gretta, are you alright?"... Only to burst on again in a flash of brilliance.

KOALA BEARS IN T-SHIRTS

Koala bears in t-shirts that said "g'day mate" cuddled in the trees. They had recently broken through several important emotional barriers and felt a strong sense of trust and emotional intimacy. As they stared into each other's eyes, the evil poacher shot them with a freeze ray guy and said "Ice to see you". He had heard that line in a movie, and had been looking forward to using it ever since he odrered his freeze ray gun through the mail. Unfortunately nobody was around to hear his witty line, and within a microsecond his mild sense of pleaasure dropped back into the grey moonlight abyss that was his internal landscape.

ROMANCE WAS BORN

Romance was born. The doctor spanked it's buttocks. Romance felt brutalized and swore revenge. Many years later, the doctor, now in his dotage, was driving along a country road when a glittering, nebulous cloud forced him off the road, tore open the car door and flung him into the woods. He looked up in horror and fascination as the shimmering pink cloud approached.

GORGONZOLA HEADED GANGSTERS

Gorgonzola headed gangsters crowded around the card table, their squat bodies pressing up against each other, their stinking heads filling the air with yellow cartoon fumes. Their gorgonzola eyes shiftily looked from side to side and they each tried to outwit each other with their shitty hands. Nobody even had a pair.

A ROBOT MADE OF RED VELVET

A robot made of red velvet gently caressed my face. It's touch was gentle, but robotically precise. It was a very high-tech robot, it's velvet was of the highest quality, the pigment the very essence of sensual red, and it's circuitry programmed to have the very minute movements synced smooth as all get out. I wondered how far this would go. I wasn't sure if this velvet robot was getting fresh with me, but I certainly hoped so. I gave it the eyes and trusted that's it's programmers had coded it to recognize what "the eyes" meant.

I READ THE INSTRUCTIONS

I read the instructions for the collection of my parcel. It was to be collected from a secret underground bunker in Hamburg between the first bloodening of the full moon and the emergence of moral thought in mammals, at no less than 40 words per second in request time and the delivery of the serial number to be layed out like the twoallbeefpatties business of yore. I wondered whether this devious chicanery was intended to make me give up on the idea of ever collecting my package, and pictured these delivery company hobgoblins rolling around on a pile of uncollected packages in glee, cackling and tossing them up at the fan.

THE BIG BURNING CANDLE

The big burning candle dripped wax over the whole town like lava coming down from a volcano. But this wax wasn't so hot that it would melt off our skins and leave us screaming like a horror movie poster with one bony hand reaching for the sky, it's was that perfect painful pleasue pleasurable pain hot that had the whole town writhing in a candle kink ectstasy. For the first time in a decade nobody was on their pohone or checking their mailbox or thinking about the next day's plans, we were all writhing in burning sticky waxy perfect NOWness. It was beautiful. I couldn't wait for the after part, when having lain on the ground breathing softly in the post orgasmic haze, the wax would have solidified, and we would have the sensory thrill of flexing our naked bodies and cracking that hard wax to free ourselves.

ONIONS DRIPPED FROM THE CIELING

Onions dripped from the ceiling. Was there a storm of onions happening outside my badly insulated house? I got several pots and pans and put them underneath the dripping onions to catch them. If these were red onions, I would be saying "Yahtzee!" and thanking my good fortune for this influx of free onions. But these were brown onions. And I have standards.

I HAD JUST ONE BIG TOOTH

I had just one big tooth and one big finger, and I would smear the paste across my big wide tooth with my big fat finger. It didn't seem all that effective, and I worried that if I got a cavity and this tooth had to come out, that was it. It was pea soup for me from then on. I like pea soup, don't get me wrong, but I have a full life ahead of my that I hope to be full of biting into apples and buttocks and gold dubloons.

JAZZ WAS ALL AROUND ME

Jazz was all around me, it swaddled me like a baby and swayed me back and forth with it's gentle swing and tickled me with it's syncopation and dangled its many colours above me like one of those dangly things in a bassinet. I wished I could be ensconced like this forever and say, "jazz music is nice" in a mumbly murmur, but I knew that that whiny music from the late 90s where the punky people strained their voices and sang about how the girls didn't want to fuck them was ready to burst in at any moment and blow my high.

GREEK STATUES CAME TO LIFE

Greek statues came to life and waggled their tiny penises at me. I thought this rather rude and chastised them. They were suitably shamed and went back to being frozen granite, but with their looks of haughty contempt now replaced with looks of chastised shame. I took out my marker and drew funny little moustaches on them.

I WAS ACCUSTOMED TO MY BODY BEING HYDRATED

I was accustomed to my body being constantly hydrated with the finest essential oils, jojaba, lavender milk, honey extract and royal jelly. This I had taken to be the state of things. Natural. Now here I was in the desert all dried out and scaly, with nothing but cactus and tumbleweeds for company. I stroked the spines of the cactus with my scaly, unhydrated, jojoba-less finger. It sent an erotic tingle straight through my body. My toes buzzed. My spine was at attention.

ALL THE DIFFERENT ELVIS'

All the different Elvis' were standing in a cricle, ready to draw their guns. Sun Elvis, Hawaii Elvis, Fun In Acapulco Elvis, Racecar Driver Elvis, Doctor Elvis , Vegas Elvis. They all understood one another, felt an acute sense of the pain they shared, but each believed they were the superior Elvis, the peak of his movement toward godhood, and couldn't stand the idea of the others existing as lesser Elvi. Their eyes darted back and forth, their fingers wiggled. Their pelvis' wiggled too.