IN THE SHADE OF THE APPLE TREE

In the shade of the apple tree I ate a pear. The apple tree was so offended by this breach of etiquette that it reached it's branch down and slapped the pear out of my hand. "What am I, chopped liver?" it said. "No, apple tree", I replied, "You are simply the bearer of the most blasé of fruits, the vanilla of the fruit world." Suddenly I was swarmed by flying vanilla pods. They tore at my flesh and gouged at my eyes. And rightly so. Vanilla is a bold and unique taste that should never be direspected with assosciations of blanditude.

OH WHAT A LONELY NIGHT

Oh what a lonely night up here on the moon. I have had no visits from little green men, I have had no space explorers drift past and give me the thumbs up, I have had no giant babies floating above me, I have had no moon dust take the shape of a beautiful woman, I have had no robots who seem so amazingly empathic and human, I have had no space fungus that beams thoughts to me and makes my brain throb. I am truly alone with myself on this cold dark rock on this long lonely night.

I SQUEEZED THE COW'S TEAT

I squeezed the cow's teat and black milk came out. I'd never squeezed a cow's teat before, and I thought maybe if you squeezed it one way the milk came out white, and if you squeezed it another it came out black. I squeezed a whole bunch of different ways, I massaged, I jiggled, I coaxed, I grabbled, but still that milk came out black as squid ink. I took a sip and it tasted like milk, but just from that one sip I could feel the black goth milk changing my DNA. I knew the words to entire Sisters Of Mercy albums I'd never even heard.

MY FLAMING HEART

My flaming heart provides light and heat for the whole neighbourhood. Local families come to cook rabbits they have caught in the forest, drunks who cannot find their lighter seek me out and put their marlboros right into my chest, elders and and youngsters gather together around my flickering flames to tell their stories. I must be kept alight no matter how much a constantly flaming heart threatens the collapse of all my other organs, so yon I go to sally forth into another dangerous adventure of the heart.

AND IT WAS THE NIGHT TIME

It was the night time, I was hanging out with mummy and her friend and it was the night time, we listened to music through the speaker and it was the night time, I drank strawberry milk and it was the night time, I saw an owl in the tree and it was the night time, I saw it hoot and it's eye glint and it was the night time, I feelt the warm wind and saw the stars sparkle and it was the night time, I felt the mouisture of the grass between my fingers and it was the night time, I felt those night time feelings because it was the night time.

I TOOK MY BAD DREAMS

I took my bad dreams and put them in a little box that was JUST that little bit too tall for them to climb out of, so on halloween I could open up the box and look at them leaping around and gnashing their teeth and snarling and find myself quite amused and spookily tittilated, then close the lid and put it back in the drawer when I had had enough. I resolved to wire up some kind of music box contraption inside by next halloween, so when I opened the box it played a nice tinkly rendition of The Monster Mash.

THE KING IS COMING

"The king is coming, hide!" I leaped out of bed and threw myself into a trunk overflowing with pearl jewellery. As I heard the king making small talk with his wife, I felt my naked body totally ensconced in pearls and realized that after this experience I could never go back. I would have to make a full pearl bodysuit so I would forever feel this feeling in every waking hour. Even in my sleep, I would wear the peart jumpsuit and my dreams would be affected by it. Of course there would be logistical difficulties, but when one truly has a dream, logistics be damned.

INSIDE A SALT CRYSTAL

Inside a salt crystal there are orderly atoms waiting in line to do their part to make my mushrooms salty (not to make them salty like they're mushroom blues singers in the 40s and they're mad about fried up and tossed into my gullet, but salty like the taste). Anyways, these salt atoms are standing in an orderly queue like they sposed to do, but of course there's always one loudmouth atom spouting off a bunch of bullshit and disturbing the other salt atoms salt meditation and threating to fuck up the whole scenario and then my salt just ain't gonna taste right.

WOODEN WINDCHIMES CLONKLE TINKED

Wooden windchimes clonkle tinked in the ill wind. The wind was so ill that they were stained a dark crimson within minutes. Cows and chickens were flying past and ghostly phantasms followed. I sipped my coffee and saw it all going by and listened to those clonkle tinks and wondered if it was really this late in October or if halloween was creeping up earlier each year.

NEIL DIAMOND STARED UP AT THE NIGHT SKY

Neil Diamond stared up at the night sky and wondered how many of those satellites were being used to beam his music across the world. Any beams that didn't contain his music, or at least a good picture of his face and chest hair, were really being wasted. He would write to his congressman and see if he could get a DIAMOND provision included in the upcoming telecommunications bill.

THAT'S MY DAUGHTER, THE BAKER

"That's my daughter, the baker. She gets up every morning to bake bread and mince pies and croissants for the ungrateful people of this town, and one day there'll be a reckoning. I'm not saying i'm going to slip the blood of a rabid dog into the croissants and turn you all into a bunch of rabid fleash eating cannibals, but somehow, you're going to get what's coming to you, you filthy ingrates". My daughter looked on in horror as I continued to berate her customers, who shuffled awkwardly from foot to foot and tried to stare anywhere but at the spittle foaming out of my mouth.