I ATE SEVEN POUNDS OF RAW RICE

I ate seven pounds of raw rice. It swelled up inside me and I popped into the shape of a cube. People painted me different colours and started playing with me like a rubix cube. They twisted me this way and that until all my bones were broken and ground into dust. When finally someone had solved the puzzle, they let me go and I flopped into a sickening boneless blob. Why did I eat that rice?

TWINKLING BLUE LIGHTS LED ME DOWN INTO THE OCEAN

Twinkling blue lights led me down into the ocean. It was dusk and I felt as if walking into the ocean with all my clothes on was the right thing to do. I followed the lights for three hectares until I found myself at a shimmering doorway. It was a green door. I walked in and found myself in a cave full of gold doubloons. I took off my wet clothes and rolled around naked in the doubloons, tossing them into the air in delight, feeling their cool metal plummet back down and strike my skin. Oh goodness gracious, I don't ever want to take these coins and spend them, just to mush my body into them for the rest of time.

I WOULD TRAVEL UNDERNEATH VERY LOW BRIDGES

I would travel underneath very low bridges that require me to master the limbo arts, over great mountains that required me to change my name to something like Adolf Van Heusen and eat innumerable power-sauce bars to get over, around great fat men so wide that by the time I got to the edge of them their trousers and skivvies were completely out of fashion, and through the middle of a great whale who had been eating all sorts of funky krill that would slop all over my face, just to find me a home in your heart,

AS I SAT MEDITATING

As I sat meditating, my mind collapsed in on in itself with an unearthly squishing sound. My body was now a brainless husk sitting in the lotus position. The eyes rolled back in my head but my body stayed stiff. Saliva dribbled out the corner of my mouth. In time crows would come along and pick out my eyes and some of the juicier bits of my flesh. Perhaps some bats would have at it too. I should hope that friends wouldn't shoo them off in some sense of loyalty to my earthly body. I didn't need it now. My mind was happily bobbing along through the cosmos.

A BADGER STARES INTO A CARS HEADLIGHTS

A badger stares into  a cars headlights. He determines to see if by sheer forCE of will, he can make a powerful field of energy around himself that will repel it, sending the car flying end over end, the humans jostling about inside like poorly packed mail. He closes his eyes and feels green shimmering circles ebbing out of his body. He is the master of the universe. He feels himself floating upward. He opens his eyes and realizes that he has already been squashed by the car and is now a phantasm floating upwards toward his meeting with the badger council of spirit elders. Oh well.

BOUND AT THE WRISTS AND FEET

Bound at the wrists and feet, I prepared to meet my fate in the meat grinder. As I trundled slowly along on the moving platform thing that I can't remember the name of, but it's like a belt wheel thing like what those machine trucks have that run over the skulls in the future bit of The Terminator, you know what I mean? And they throw a future grenade under it and blow the fucker up. It's some kind of moving belt thing. Anyway, so as I rolled along towards my doom, I figured as long as I'm gonna die, I might as well make a nice s&m thing out of it. So I pulled against the ropes and revelled in the feeling of them cutting against my wrists and ankles, and I shuddered in anticipation of the sweet searing blades of the meat grinder chopping me into little pieces. But just before I got there, Superman swooped in and saved me. "Way to go, Superman", I said, "you fucking cock blocker."

SHE LAY ON THE BED

She lay on the bed, her head lolling over the edge. the alcohol had gone to her head, making it heavy. Then it fell off. It cracked through the floorboards and then plummeted all the way through the centre of the earth. It passed through the molten core without melting, pushed through to the other side of the earth and popped right out and into space. As her head floated through the cosmos, she saw many wondrous things, but still she missed her body so.