BIRDS CALLED TO EACH OTHER FROM ACROSS THE NEIGHBOURHOOD

Birds called to each other from across the neighborhood. They were plotting the overthrow of humanity. Little did they know I could understand bird calls and was aware of every element of their devious plot. As I listened though, I thought about how we humans were fucking everything up and that perhaps it was time to let birds have a go at running the planet. So I just put my feet up and sipped my lemonade and whistled a little tune about a river on the moon, and looked forward to my species' enslavement and the glorious future the earth would have under bird custodianship. Oh, how the flowers would bloom in brighter colours than ever before, and the trees would grow tall and sturdy, and the birds would sit on the branches and sing in perfect harmony, swaying back and forth in unison.

I WRAPPED MYSELF COMPLETELY IN MASKING TAPE

I wrapped myself completely in masking tape, except for my mouth. Then I wandered through the garden, feeling around with my hands for berries hanging from trees. I  felt the texture and size of each one and really savoured the feeling, but I ate them all indiscriminately. On the fifth berry I started to feel quite ill. Sweat soaked my masking tape. I hopped along faster, gorging on more berries, hoping i would come upon an antidote for whichever one was making me feel this way.

I FOLLOWED A CROW

I followed a crow. It seemed to me it did not know I was following it and the thrill of espionage pulsed all through me. It seemed so full of purpose, yet so aimless. Walking about, hopping up on railings looking down. Flying off the ground just a little and coming down again, scrabbling about. It walked around a concrete block and down into a valley and I kept trying to tail it at a distance but it somehow eluded me and disappeared without my seeing it go. I was giddy from the thrill of it all. I wandered back to the gathering of elderly Italians with my heart beating and a glow all over me.

THE VIOLINS THRUMMED SO VIOLENTLY THAT THE LITTLE WIRE GIRAFFES ENCASED IN GLASS BEGAN TO TREMBLE

The violins thrummed so violently that the little wire giraffes encased in glass began to tremble. The glass cracked. They shook it off and began to walk gingerly across the coffee table, first gentle attempts at ambulation for creatures that had been encased since the moment they were whole. The mother and daughter made tender steps over toward the bear shaped honey container. They searched it's plastic eyes for signs of friendship. It at least did not appear to be an angry bear, so they approached cautiously and licked honey off it's side with small, wiry tongues.

ORANGE BLOSSOMS BLOOMED OUT OF MY SHOULDERS

Orange blossoms bloomed out of my shoulders. They were very pretty and I was pleased. I cut holes in the shoulders of all my shirts and jackets so as not t crush them and so I could show them off properly. I was swanning down the street feeling very foxy with my my orange blossom shoulder pad outerwear when a giant bee leaning against a lamppost gave me a hard, sexy look. I leaned against the fence and played with my flowers and shot an insouciant look back.

I WAS LEANED AGAINST A TREE

I was leaned against a tree, embraced in a passionate kiss. I could feel the bark against my back and her skin beneath the silk under my hands and her hot breath and our soft  moans, and everything was so enraptured that I could pay no attention to the clockwork swans that had surrounded us. They began to peck at our legs and bite our ribs and press us hard against the tree, but this was only registered through a tiny side window of our minds, we were on the bow of a ship looking out over the ocean and the cabin boy was down below watching these clockwork swans through the porthole. Eventually there were so many clockwork swans that they formed a kind of mountain beneath us, lifting us right onto the top branches of the tree. The sun baked our hair and the clockwork swans bit our ears and we kissed.

WALKING IN THE GARDENS

Walking in the gardens, one might see a bird sitting atop a cactus and wonder how this bird does not get spiked. All of a sudden the bird takes flight and carries the great cactus in it's claws. You take flight also and follow the bird, intent on knowing what it's doing with that cactus. You follow it out of the city, through deeper and deeper bush until it enters a cave with some burly looking security birds standing guard out front. You try to saunter on past, whistling the tune to 'Stardust' and ignoring the security, but no dice. They stop you and prod you in the chest and squawk at you what appears to be "where do you think you're going?" "I just wanna know what's gonna happen with that cactus!" you say. "Well that's some shit that's a bird secret", they say, "and you ain't a bird, so scram."