GOOPY SUBSTANCES ALL UP IN MY HEAD

Goopy substances all up in head, they drizzle out of my ears and nose and fill the room and slip under the door and out into the kitchen. They start building upwards like the T1000 and form a man. I shout to him, "goopy man, make me some ham and eggs!" He wants to tell me that a please would be nice, but his goopy form does not support speech, so he signals it to me through vibrations sent back through the goop directly into my brain. I am suitably chastened.

WHEN A WOMAN TOUCHES YOUR LEG IN A TENDER FASHION

When a woman touches your leg in a tender fashion, you can forget that you are in the middle of the jungle, sweaty and covered in leeches and leprosy with a tiger gnawing on your foot. you forget about the vines and the jungle canopy and the long grass and the lagoon and the monkey's fangs. All your focus is on the feeling and your hairs all standing on end like officers of the Russian army, taut and at attention.

TWENTY SIX HOURS OF CONTINUOUS PLEASURE

Twenty six hours of continuous pleasure is surprisingly easy to get through. All that constant kissing and petting and fucking and eating and bathing and kissing and listening and watching and petting and eating and fucking and dessert seems like it might tire you out, and then throw in some talking and reading and feeling too, goodness it's enough to make you want to retire and give this pleasure job over to someone more hardy. But it's really not that bad.

I PUT ON MY WIGHAT

I put on my wighat and my high heel sneakers and sallied forth into the evening. The air with crisp, with a hint of pine needles, and I felt like I could take over the world, or at least a small tropical island with a restless population and a crumbling dictatorship. I would wear a garland of bananas around my neck and rule with a firm but just hand. Perhaps I would be visited by an Arab prince on a diplomatic mission, and he would seduce me with his eyes and his moustache. And I would say, "I want you to know, Omar, that you are a wonderful lover, but this will not change my feelings on the trade pact."

NOW LISTEN HERE YOU CRUMB BUMS

Now listen here you  crumb bums, I've worked too long and hard building this giant living yacht for you to fuck it up. Just pull your pulleys and levers at the right time and when I say starboard and other nautical terms like that, I expect you to know what they mean, and even if I am using them incorrectly I expect you to deduce the proper meaning and know what needs to be done to sail us around the horn of good cape safely. I'll be up on the bow wearing a cape and blowing a horn and having the horn, don't get too close to me because I may explode. And make sure you eat plenty of vegetables to prevent scurvy.

CLIMBING A MOUNTAIN IS DIFFICULT

Climbing a mountain is difficult. You need these special spiky boots which aren't really all that hot looking, and it's cold and your ears get cold and there's all these bugs flying into your moth and you see skeletons of other people that died on the way and that's a real bummer. At least I imagine this is the case. I mostly lay on the red couch (it's actually blue but I still call it the red couch because it reminds me of another porch couch that actually was red) and wiggle my toes and listen to the birds and the insects and dream my little dreams. Maybe the mountain climbers would like to to try this some day. But I'm not swapping. They will have to find their own couch.

WHEN I WAS A RACE CAR DRIVER

When I was a race car driver, I used to keep a pumpkin on the seat next to me. It's heaviness and steadiness and purple orange rich insideness was always a comfort to me. But then it started to speak. It grew a mouth that was always fixed in a cruel grimace, and beady little eyes. It taunted me with all my most intimate doubts and fears. I almost crashed several times punching it and screaming for it to shut up. I sure liked the damn thing better when it was inanimate. But superstition stopped me from simply throwing it out.