PRINGLES CHIPS WERE INVENTED

Pringles chips were invented during a moment of single handed supernatural chicanery when Thomas Jefferson levitated off the floor, his eyes rolling back into his head and his skin turning green, and made some uncooked potatoes fly out of the pantry, cook in mid air, split into many parts and fly into a tennis-ball can. A fellow from the Pringle company was watching all this through the window and stole his idea. You shouldn't let chip manufacturers watch you through the window.

IF I HAD A TICKET

If I had a ticket to get on a submarine, I would use that ticket and then I would hijack the submarine and take it into international waters and run a pirate radio station for all the deep sea fishes with glow sticks hanging off their heads. I will play them deep house with lots of sub bass and they will groove on it real nice and I will be doing my community service for the undersea fishes. I know some of you like me doing my community service for you on-the-land people, but I been doing that for ten years, it's time to throw the fishies a little sugar.

TUMBLING TUMBLEWEEDS TUMBLE PAST

Tumbling tumbleweeds tumble past, as tumbleweeds do. I chase them but my little legs get tired. Some day I will exchange these little legs for giant long flamingo legs, and I will have pink feathers and a nice curvy beak, that is to say, some day I will be a flamingo. Men and women and children and dogs and possums and cicadas will tremble and melt at the sight of my majesty. I will not be haughty, but graceful and forever mysterious.

OPEN MY EYES AND SEE THAT I AM IN A COMPLETE VOID

Open my eyes and see that I am in a complete void. How can I tell? Coz i can't see nothing. But maybe my eyes aren't really open. Better have a feel of my eyelids. Yep, they're up. Have a poke at my eyeballs. Yep, there they are, all squishy. But how do I know if i'm blind or actually in a void. I'll call out to the void. "Hey Void, am I in you?" "YEEEEEES", says the void. Well that settles it then. Nothing to do but kick back in the nothingness for a while and await  any future developments.

FOR THE PRINCELY SUM OF EIGHT ROUBLES

For the princely sum of eight roubles, I will take you into a cave that is studded with rubies and diamonds and jewels, and I will show you the corpsey skeleton corpse of a pirate still draped over the top of his chest full of gold doubloons. Don't go thinking about trying to snatch any, because his doubloon lust lives on beyond his mortal body, and a vicious red glow will appear in his eye socket and his bony arm will grasp at his cutlass and slice you in twain.

I BEEN LOOKING FOR A WIFE

I been looking for a wife, all my life, i been looking inside bread bags but all i see is bread, I beenn looking inside tress but i just see woodpeckers, i been looking in the back of the TV but all I found is wires and tubes and stuff. Maybe i need to go to the wife store, they gotta have some there, i said to myself. But then they invented wi-fi, and I thought, hey that's close enough, if I got wi-fi I don't really need that extra E. So now i curls up with my wi-fi every night and watch old reruns of Cheers through the internet.

UNDERNEATH THE WATER AND UNDERNEATH THE SAND

Underneath the water and underneath the sand and underneath the rock and underneath the layers of diamonds and sludge and cookie and thick caramel, just above the throbbing molten centre of the earth, there is a place where lovers go, to feel warm and compressed and to hold each other tight and to be held tight by the forces around them. When you are down in that space with your lover, you can feel the twist of every tree root, you can feel each fossil getting minute by minute more fossilized, you can feel those old trees uncurling into diamonds, and you can feel that molten heat below you. Tt feels good.