LAZY SHEEP SIT AROUND ON BANANA LOUNGES

Lazy sheep sit around on banana lounges all day smoking cigars while eating cornflakes. They never take their sunglasses off. They get on their chunky-ass 1987 mobile phones and bitch to other lazy sheep in the neighbourhood about how the grass just ain't no good no more, and they're too lazy to even go in the swimming pool. Of course, there are alligators in the swimming pool, so maybe it's not just laziness, maybe it's common sense. Maybe I need to give these lazy sheep more credit and stop peering over the fence like the guy in tool time and mind my own business.

TREACHEROUS PIRATES GOT INSIDE MY MOUTH

Treacherous pirates got inside my mouth and stole all my fillings and then the holes got all filled up with food and fucked up my dental hygiene, and by the time I noticed they were gone with the wind. "Damn you, Bluebeard!", I shouted, "this wasn't part of the deal!", shaking my fist impotently in the air. My mother told me never to make deals with pirates, especially treacherous pirates. I mean, when they all have jackets with "treacherous pirates" embroidered on the back, you can' blame anyone but yourself for being grifted.

I GOT SOME CHEMOTHERAPY

I got some chemotherapy and it made my bones so strong that they were were like indestructible ultra-lead pipes. When I died and all my flesh rotted away the bones remained gleaming and unbreakable. After the apocalypse, when the apes rose again, the ape that found my bones essentially had the nuclear weapons stash and became a brutal overlord over all other apes, keeping them in line with blows from my indestructible femur.

MY UNCLE WORE A CARDIGAN

My uncle wore a cardigan with a slogan on it embroidered in diamonties. The slogan was so profane that my eyes would not allow the information to be sent through to my brain, my eyes would see it and say, "Sorry, no dice", and send it right back through the refracted light airways. My uncle seemed a little miffed that I was not reacting to his offensive cardigan and he was always waggling it's puffy sleeves in front of me and then storming off in a huff. During of of these huffs he stormed right off a cliff and died. Later, I read in the newspaper about the cardigan his corpse had been found wearing and only then was I able to understand what his strange attitude toward me had been all about.

A CAT SITS IN THE SUNSHINE

A cat sits in the sunshine getting it's cat batteries juiced up with solar sunshine. The sun shines so bright that the batteries get overfull and start to throb and glow radioactive green inside the cat. Bright light shoots from it's eyes and it's meow is so deep that it cracks the concrete for three streets over, while also being so high that all the neighbourhood dogs are driven into tail chasing madness. It is truly a full spectrum, high fidelity meow. The cat levitates and prepares to wreak destruction on the town. but then it changes it's mind and curls back up on the back. This will be a powerful sleep.

THE NEON FLAMINGO

The neon flamingo on my bedside table unhatched itself from it's stand and went walking along my floor looking for neon fish. There were no neon fish to be found so it fell to the floor crying neon tears. I was moved by it's plight and went to order some neon fish from the same place I ordered the neon flamingo. Maybe I would also order it a neon toucan to keep it company. Flamingos and toucans get on, right? I was filling up my cart and then I realised it would take a couple days for more neon to arrive and in the meantime this neon flamingo would be here crying on my floor and I just couldn't deal with that. "Alright", I said to the flamingo, "I'm gonna go out and buy you some neon fish right now, don't freak out and break yourself while i'm gone."

THE AIR BEING PUSHED OUT OF A SAXOPHONE BELL

The air being pushed out of a saxophone bell causes a ripple in everything that makes tiny incremental changes to the world. Sparks get sparkier and movements get slightly wider and the falling down is slightly arrested and waves hold at their peak just for a microsecond longer and someone in a hot air balloon staring down at the world thinking about their whole life and everybody else's feels the ripple come up and pass through them and swirl into the fire that keeps the hot air balloon floating.