GIANT VEGETABLES APPEARED OVERNIGHT

Giant vegetables appeared overnight, blocking all major motorways. A radish the size of five four-wheel drives stood silently at the intersection of Bell and St Georges. Workmen stared at it and frowned. They had tools to hack away at it, drag it, but everybody sensed tht somehow the vegetable would fight back. And nobody wanted to risk the wrath of this stoic turnip. One onlooker suggested if perhaps it could be pickled, the turnip would be mellowed enough to allow them to roll it over to the side of the road. They would need somehow to bring two sides of a jar together around it and drop the vinegar by air.

NE'ER-DO-WELLS SKIPPED ALONG THE COBBLESTONE STREET

Ne'er-do-wells skipped along the cobblestone street, taking slugs from their flasks and laughing heartily and doing little jigs. Tabitha watched from her window and wished she could join them. For she had always done well, and it had become tiresome. As one young lady squatted and released her liquids while teetering back and forth, Tabitha emerged from the doorway and looked at the raggamuffin with pleading eyes. "Please" they said. "Teach me this night."

BRAWNY BRONTESAURUS FLEXED

Brawny bronteaurus flexed, staring at his reflection in the lake. He looked good. He'd been eating only those superfood berry trees and and stomping ten thousand stomps a day. Every scale looked shiny. Every muscle looked sinewy. He practiced a few different faces in the lakes reflection. Scary brontesaurus. Sultry brontesaurus. Silly brontesaurus. Serious brontesaurus. So much range. It was mind boggling to think that any other dinosaur did not want to have sex with him.

SILKEN TEETH NIPPED AT MY NIPPLES

Silken teeth nipped at my nipples in a fierce caress. This silken shark, brought to life by necromancy, had the white fire of lust in it's eyes. Every now and then i'd playfully punch it in the nose, but softy enough to say "but don't stop..." My friends, if you've never been gnashed all over your naked body by six rows of silken teeth, well, it's not really the kind of experience you can engineer, you just have to hope you get lucky.

FILTHY FINGERS FINANGLE

Filthy fingers finangle with coins and finally slip them into slots. The robot arm creaks into motion and the the monster mash flows forth. The monsters mash until they are mashed. When I return to the bar they are but a green puddle on the ground. I sigh and get out the wet and dry vac.

IN BUCHAREST

In Bucharest the people are so gay that every walk is a dance, and every dance is a spasm of ecstasy. Every mouthful of food elicits fists slammed on tables and tears of joy. Each sunset brings the city into a communal hum of the purest bliss, the populace take on a purple and orange hue in their very carbon. When the sun has gone down they all look at each other with that intimate post-coital knowing shyness.

WOLVES TANGO AROUND THE CAMPFIRE

Wolves tango around the campfire. Seventeen wolves, each in perfect step, claws scraping concentric cirles in the dirt and ash, staring into each others eyes, feeling the heat and the moon and the magic inbetween, the beating of their partners heart the only rhythm they need follow. Is one wolf dancing alone, or are three dancing together? 

BRATTY BRATWURSTS

Bratty bratwursts refused to get in their buns. They flipped the cook the bird, blew him a raspberry, and rolled off down the street. They stopped at a street corner and put on shades and lit cigarettes and started harmonising in the most gorgeous tender voices you ever heard. I watched from my apartment window and thought about the young dreams I had munched each Oktoberfest.

UNREPENTANT CROWS

Unrepentant crows peck out the eyes of everybody they fly past, spitting them on the ground, leaving a grisly trail of eyeballs that stretches for miles. Quick dogs follow the trail, gulping the eyeballs with such fervour that they promptly vomit them up, and so what was once a miles long trail of eyeballs becomes a series of piles of eyeball filled vomit every few hundred metres. One eyed victims stumble and scream and try not to stand in piles of their own eyes.

IN THE SHADE OF THE APPLE TREE

In the shade of the apple tree I ate a pear. The apple tree was so offended by this breach of etiquette that it reached it's branch down and slapped the pear out of my hand. "What am I, chopped liver?" it said. "No, apple tree", I replied, "You are simply the bearer of the most blasé of fruits, the vanilla of the fruit world." Suddenly I was swarmed by flying vanilla pods. They tore at my flesh and gouged at my eyes. And rightly so. Vanilla is a bold and unique taste that should never be direspected with assosciations of blanditude.

OH WHAT A LONELY NIGHT

Oh what a lonely night up here on the moon. I have had no visits from little green men, I have had no space explorers drift past and give me the thumbs up, I have had no giant babies floating above me, I have had no moon dust take the shape of a beautiful woman, I have had no robots who seem so amazingly empathic and human, I have had no space fungus that beams thoughts to me and makes my brain throb. I am truly alone with myself on this cold dark rock on this long lonely night.

I SQUEEZED THE COW'S TEAT

I squeezed the cow's teat and black milk came out. I'd never squeezed a cow's teat before, and I thought maybe if you squeezed it one way the milk came out white, and if you squeezed it another it came out black. I squeezed a whole bunch of different ways, I massaged, I jiggled, I coaxed, I grabbled, but still that milk came out black as squid ink. I took a sip and it tasted like milk, but just from that one sip I could feel the black goth milk changing my DNA. I knew the words to entire Sisters Of Mercy albums I'd never even heard.

MY FLAMING HEART

My flaming heart provides light and heat for the whole neighbourhood. Local families come to cook rabbits they have caught in the forest, drunks who cannot find their lighter seek me out and put their marlboros right into my chest, elders and and youngsters gather together around my flickering flames to tell their stories. I must be kept alight no matter how much a constantly flaming heart threatens the collapse of all my other organs, so yon I go to sally forth into another dangerous adventure of the heart.

AND IT WAS THE NIGHT TIME

It was the night time, I was hanging out with mummy and her friend and it was the night time, we listened to music through the speaker and it was the night time, I drank strawberry milk and it was the night time, I saw an owl in the tree and it was the night time, I saw it hoot and it's eye glint and it was the night time, I feelt the warm wind and saw the stars sparkle and it was the night time, I felt the mouisture of the grass between my fingers and it was the night time, I felt those night time feelings because it was the night time.

I TOOK MY BAD DREAMS

I took my bad dreams and put them in a little box that was JUST that little bit too tall for them to climb out of, so on halloween I could open up the box and look at them leaping around and gnashing their teeth and snarling and find myself quite amused and spookily tittilated, then close the lid and put it back in the drawer when I had had enough. I resolved to wire up some kind of music box contraption inside by next halloween, so when I opened the box it played a nice tinkly rendition of The Monster Mash.

THE KING IS COMING

"The king is coming, hide!" I leaped out of bed and threw myself into a trunk overflowing with pearl jewellery. As I heard the king making small talk with his wife, I felt my naked body totally ensconced in pearls and realized that after this experience I could never go back. I would have to make a full pearl bodysuit so I would forever feel this feeling in every waking hour. Even in my sleep, I would wear the peart jumpsuit and my dreams would be affected by it. Of course there would be logistical difficulties, but when one truly has a dream, logistics be damned.

INSIDE A SALT CRYSTAL

Inside a salt crystal there are orderly atoms waiting in line to do their part to make my mushrooms salty (not to make them salty like they're mushroom blues singers in the 40s and they're mad about fried up and tossed into my gullet, but salty like the taste). Anyways, these salt atoms are standing in an orderly queue like they sposed to do, but of course there's always one loudmouth atom spouting off a bunch of bullshit and disturbing the other salt atoms salt meditation and threating to fuck up the whole scenario and then my salt just ain't gonna taste right.

WOODEN WINDCHIMES CLONKLE TINKED

Wooden windchimes clonkle tinked in the ill wind. The wind was so ill that they were stained a dark crimson within minutes. Cows and chickens were flying past and ghostly phantasms followed. I sipped my coffee and saw it all going by and listened to those clonkle tinks and wondered if it was really this late in October or if halloween was creeping up earlier each year.

NEIL DIAMOND STARED UP AT THE NIGHT SKY

Neil Diamond stared up at the night sky and wondered how many of those satellites were being used to beam his music across the world. Any beams that didn't contain his music, or at least a good picture of his face and chest hair, were really being wasted. He would write to his congressman and see if he could get a DIAMOND provision included in the upcoming telecommunications bill.

THAT'S MY DAUGHTER, THE BAKER

"That's my daughter, the baker. She gets up every morning to bake bread and mince pies and croissants for the ungrateful people of this town, and one day there'll be a reckoning. I'm not saying i'm going to slip the blood of a rabid dog into the croissants and turn you all into a bunch of rabid fleash eating cannibals, but somehow, you're going to get what's coming to you, you filthy ingrates". My daughter looked on in horror as I continued to berate her customers, who shuffled awkwardly from foot to foot and tried to stare anywhere but at the spittle foaming out of my mouth.