ONIONS DRIPPED FROM THE CIELING

Onions dripped from the ceiling. Was there a storm of onions happening outside my badly insulated house? I got several pots and pans and put them underneath the dripping onions to catch them. If these were red onions, I would be saying "Yahtzee!" and thanking my good fortune for this influx of free onions. But these were brown onions. And I have standards.

I HAD JUST ONE BIG TOOTH

I had just one big tooth and one big finger, and I would smear the paste across my big wide tooth with my big fat finger. It didn't seem all that effective, and I worried that if I got a cavity and this tooth had to come out, that was it. It was pea soup for me from then on. I like pea soup, don't get me wrong, but I have a full life ahead of my that I hope to be full of biting into apples and buttocks and gold dubloons.

JAZZ WAS ALL AROUND ME

Jazz was all around me, it swaddled me like a baby and swayed me back and forth with it's gentle swing and tickled me with it's syncopation and dangled its many colours above me like one of those dangly things in a bassinet. I wished I could be ensconced like this forever and say, "jazz music is nice" in a mumbly murmur, but I knew that that whiny music from the late 90s where the punky people strained their voices and sang about how the girls didn't want to fuck them was ready to burst in at any moment and blow my high.

GREEK STATUES CAME TO LIFE

Greek statues came to life and waggled their tiny penises at me. I thought this rather rude and chastised them. They were suitably shamed and went back to being frozen granite, but with their looks of haughty contempt now replaced with looks of chastised shame. I took out my marker and drew funny little moustaches on them.

I WAS ACCUSTOMED TO MY BODY BEING HYDRATED

I was accustomed to my body being constantly hydrated with the finest essential oils, jojaba, lavender milk, honey extract and royal jelly. This I had taken to be the state of things. Natural. Now here I was in the desert all dried out and scaly, with nothing but cactus and tumbleweeds for company. I stroked the spines of the cactus with my scaly, unhydrated, jojoba-less finger. It sent an erotic tingle straight through my body. My toes buzzed. My spine was at attention.

ALL THE DIFFERENT ELVIS'

All the different Elvis' were standing in a cricle, ready to draw their guns. Sun Elvis, Hawaii Elvis, Fun In Acapulco Elvis, Racecar Driver Elvis, Doctor Elvis , Vegas Elvis. They all understood one another, felt an acute sense of the pain they shared, but each believed they were the superior Elvis, the peak of his movement toward godhood, and couldn't stand the idea of the others existing as lesser Elvi. Their eyes darted back and forth, their fingers wiggled. Their pelvis' wiggled too.

SHE LISTED OFF ALL THE MEN SHE HAD EVER SLEPT WITH

She listed off all the men she had ever slept with and put a tick next to the good roots and a cross next to the dud roots. Later, she spilled a glass of enchanted cognac on the page, and the good roots magically appeared in the room as sexy phantasms. Shirtless, sexy phantasms. They were all smiling benignly and so happy to see her again. They all seemed pretty happy to see each other too, and occasionally she would have to clear her throat and remind them that she was the one who had summoned them and she would like to be touched right now, right here, yes, yes, just like that.