I WAS IN MEXICO ATTEMPTING TO RECORD THE MUSIC OF THE NATIVE PEOPLES

I was in mexico attempting to record the music of the native peoples. What I found was that they really liked that song "don't you want me baby" by human league and were blaring it from every boombox and car and cantina in the land. So I set up my microphones to record these radio's, first from up close right by the speaker, then slowly going back ten metres at a time to capture the ambiance into which this music was broadcast. I did this everywhere I heard the song and presented my recordings to the university. They were not pleased.

I FOUND HER PANTIES UNDER THE BED

I found her panties under the bed and her earrings on the bedside table and her coat on the hook and her belt in the corner and her car out the front and her bra on my chair and her book on my shelf and her hair clip in the bathroom and her mascara on the sink and I smiled when I found each of them.

I NEED A COUNTRY MAN

I need a country man. A man with a whole lot of energy. One who can pull a plow and milk a cow. And drag tractors around with his teeth. And pull giant tress out from the ground and use them as toothpicks to clean the tractor gunk out of his massive teeth. And use an old sewerage pipe as a straw to drain the lake to find my diamond ring I dropped in there. And dig great big holes big enough to hide the bodies of all the hobos I murder. That's the kind of man I need.

A BLIP ON THE COMPUTER MONITOR

A blip on the computer monitor indicated that she was stalled in her boat in between Antarctica and a random giant block of ice. That's a tricky situation. I imagined her leaping into the freezing cold water, hear skin instantly covering in goosebumps, her nipples becoming erect. I really should have been thinking more about her plight and the problems she might face staying alive and how I could help, but when I think of her, my mind just trails off into these fantasies. What a beautiful alien creature she is.

GET AWAY FLY

Get away fly, I can't stand you buzzing around my head, but I know if I swat you your compatriots will be duty bound to take revenge, and soon I will be completely surrounded by flies, so when I walk up to someone they will say, "what is that strange black buzzing mass coming towards me?" It will be very frightening and they will probably run away. This will make it very hard to buy a newspaper, let alone make time with a young lady.

LET ME TAKE YOU TO THE MOVIES, SHORTY

Let me take you to the movies, shorty. I'm sure later on you will be my baby. How am I so sure? Because I came here from the future, using a teleportation device that has since been destroyed. I can never go back. The only way is forward. But I know that in the future you too will be sent through the mists of time and in a shocking development, while you are now my date, in the future you will in fact be my child! They explained to me how this all works at some point but to be honest I was totally zoning out and didn't compute any of it. Not showing a great deal of perspicacity.

THE GIRL'S ANFRACTUOUS VOICE TWISTED ALL AROUND ME

The girl's anfractuous voice twisted all around me, wrapping me in it's timbre like a cobra ready to squeeze the life out of me. Or is that a python? Shit, I'm not some snake motherfucker, I can't get this stuff right all the time. So anyway, her sweet mellifluous tones had me all wrapped up, lets say like a mummy this time, I was Tutankhamen and glad to be dead with my hands folded over my chest if it meant getting wrapped up by this honey's lovely vocal bandages.