I WENT TO SCHOOL TO LEARN HOW TO COOK FRENCH CUISINE

I went to school to learn how to cook french cuisine. They said, "Put a whole lotta le butter on things". I put a tab of butter on a crystal plate and served it to the visiting Emir of somewhere and I was pronounced the greatest French chef in history. There was outrage that a foreigner should be awarded such a title. The populace burned cars in the street and then cried in their boudoirs for several days as they questioned their national identity. It was decided that I must have been a Frenchman all along. They put a stripey shirt on me and handed me a baguette and held me aloft in the city square. I didn't know how to talk french and I didn't want to spoil the whole thing they had going on so I just pursed my lips in a haughty, imperious manner and looked down upon the populace. They were beautiful.

A HANDSOME COWBOY LEANED AGAINST THE RAILING

A handsome cowboy leaned against the railing and reeled off his flirty cowboy game. I sat perched up on the same railing and twisted my legs around it and gave him the eyes that said I was interested but i'd like to hear some more. He was covered in red dust and I couldn't make out his smell too good amongst the horses, but I liked his chin and his eyebrows and his voice and I was feeling that carefree vacation feeling all into the ends of my toes in my cowboy boots. I reached down and fingered my spurs as I smiled wryly at him. He kept on a talking that talk and I could have listened for a good while.

LOGS ROLLED OFF THE BACK OF THE LOGGING TRUCK

Logs rolled off the back of the logging truck and bounced on the road and crashed through my windshield. I swerved but kept driving and soon found that a log in my front seat was a wonderful companion. So woody and stoic. The log lived up to the fantasies i'd had of a man that had never been realized in these fleshy humans i'd picked up, no matter how tough and stiff and silent they'd been, none was more a MAN this this log. I stroked it's bark. It didn't react at all. I quivered.

I WALKED THROUGH A GARDEN OF TELEPHONES

I walked through a garden of telephones. Telephones of all colours sprouting from plants, all ringing softly. I picked up a pink telephone and listened in. "Howard, I won't be a fool over this donkey affair...". I hung up the phone. I ambled through the garden some more, twisting the hairs on my chest in my fingers. Eventually I thought i'd try another phone, so I picked up a baby blue number. "Darling, I'm covered in ants and I couldn't be happier. Won't you join me and roll around in this anthill and be free?" I considered it.

A DEER AMBLED THROUGH THE SNOW

A deer ambled through the snow, and on it's journey snow piled up on it's snout and it's head and on it's back until there was so much snow it seemed to be a new mountain. Geologists spied it with their telescopes and reported findings and the geology scene was abuzz with this new mountain that seemed to be moving and papers were published and there was a spuriously put together special on the geology channel. And then the deer got to it's destination and shook off the snow and the mountain came tumbling down and the tears of geologists flooded the city and many collections of magazines were waterlogged and ruined.

THERE ARE SPEAKERS ALL AROUND

There are speakers all around so I will build a house made out of speakers. The chunkiest speakers will be the walls and some of the lighter speakers will be the widows and I will pull their insides out and use the mesh part as a blind that I will pull up when I want to let the sun shine in and the roof will be made of thatched together tiny computer speakers and I will sit in the house on a couch made of speakers and listen to my records on the one pair of speakers that is actually being used as a pair of speakers and will rest my eggs and coffee on a coffee table that is actually a speaker and I will be as happy as Larry if Larry was a man who lived in a house made of speakers.

THE BOOTH WAS SO HAPPY TO BE SAVED THAT IT LEAPT INTO THE AIR AND DID A TWIST

The booth was so happy to be saved that it leapt into the air and did a twist. The people inside were thrown around and some of the chemicals spilled out and one of it's feet broke off, but everybody was so overjoyed at the saving of the booth that these trifles were soon gone with the wind. The people got out and took the booth arm in arm on either side and suddenly big band jazz music was playing and the three of them began sauntering doing the street in a Bob Fosse walk, kicking their heels and snapping their fingers and singing with pure joie de vivre. A line formed behind them and soon the whole city was Fosse walking down Flinders st with party hats on and glitter was falling from the sky and everybody kissed somebody and smiled with their eyes.