SHE LISTED OFF ALL THE MEN SHE HAD EVER SLEPT WITH

She listed off all the men she had ever slept with and put a tick next to the good roots and a cross next to the dud roots. Later, she spilled a glass of enchanted cognac on the page, and the good roots magically appeared in the room as sexy phantasms. Shirtless, sexy phantasms. They were all smiling benignly and so happy to see her again. They all seemed pretty happy to see each other too, and occasionally she would have to clear her throat and remind them that she was the one who had summoned them and she would like to be touched right now, right here, yes, yes, just like that.

ANGELS FLOODED INTO THE DISCO

Angels flooded into the Disco, bumping people out of the way, knocking drinks out of peoples hands with their wings. A hundred of them must have rolled into the place, flashing crazy eyes and dancing in a wild, threatening manner. This mass of white had everybody shook and confused. Surely angels weren't supposed to behave in this manner? Or be in a disco at all. One angel clambered on top of the speaker stack and thrust her hips back and forth violently.

I WAS IN MIAMI

I was in Miami, waiting by the airstrip for the Cubans to arrive. I wished I hadn't worn my emoto-colour-changing trousers. A drug deal like this always makes me nervous, and the colour of my trousers would reveal my deepest fears to them. I had to be in a state of deep meditation and keep the trousers a cool, sky blue. Their jeep arrived, dust blowing in the wind behind it. I gritted my teeth and focused on that calm blue.

A WHITE CAT HOPS ONTO THE DINNER TABLE

A white cat hops onto the dinner table. The dinner guests watch in astonishment as this tiny thing swallows a whole roast chicken, a plate of a parsnips, a pumpkin pie, a head of lettuce, a bottle of aperol, a bottle of champagne, a bottle of cognac, a pheasant, a tray of pate, a trunk full of jelly, a washing basket of strawberries, a machine machine of lemon zest, a house full of egg white, and steps off the other end of the table with no sense of indigestion. Perhaps science could reveal the secrets of this cat's marvelous digestion, but nobody's cutting into this white cat, not a chance.

FLOWERS FALL FROM THE TREE

Flowers fall from the tree to coat the path in white and pink. The whole city soon is covered in white and pink petals and they are constantly falling. It is a blizzard of soft white and pink petals. One pushes through and occasionally comes upon a shimmering, moving shape in the petal cloud. Another person, or perhaps a cat. Everyone and everything is covered in petals so it is hard to distinguish, but one can still fell the pulse of another living thing close by. It is a muted world, but far more pleasant than the grey alternative of smog and acid rain.

I PICKED A GOLDEN DAFFODIL

I picked a golden daffodil from the ground. I couldn't snap the stem because it was gold, but pulled it out by it's golden roots. I figured Midas must have skipped through here years ago on that ill fated day and brushed past this daffodil. At the hock shop, the scumbag behind the counter looked sceptical about my theory. "An original Midas touched daffodil? I don't know. I could give you 50 bucks."

THE CAT BEGAN TO BITE IT'S FOOT OFF

The cat began to bite it's foot off and couldn't stop. It swallowed it's leg and up onto its torso and soon it had eaten itself completely and disappeared into thin air. Yet it could feel itself there spiritually. It floated over to it's food dish and attempted to cry, but with no throat and no tongue, it emitted no sound. And it computed that with with no teeth and no tongue and no mouth it wouldn't be able to eat anyway. The cat thought about this. If eating and being petted were no longer an option, perhaps now was the time to enrol in that transcendental meditation course at the community centre.