UNDERNEATH THE TREE BY MY HOUSE THERE IS A GIANT DIAMOND

Underneath the tree by my house there is a giant diamond. Many years ago, in another lifetime, it was used as part of a laser contraption that was going to cut James Bond in half. Bond, using his British ingenuity, managed to escape being lasered on this instance, but all the same, it was attempted murder, and the diamond has never gotten over the shame it feels in colluding against such a venerable drunken folk hero. It buried itself under the tree so it would never have to face society again. Someday soon I will dig the diamond up and hold it in my arms and tell it that nobody is going to hold that incident against it, that it shouldn't hide it's shininess away from the world. Sunlight should be glinting through it and prisming and all that shit. I will  coo these sweet consolations into it. And then I will sell it and buy a speed boat.