I NEED A COUNTRY MAN

I need a country man. A man with a whole lot of energy. One who can pull a plow and milk a cow. And drag tractors around with his teeth. And pull giant tress out from the ground and use them as toothpicks to clean the tractor gunk out of his massive teeth. And use an old sewerage pipe as a straw to drain the lake to find my diamond ring I dropped in there. And dig great big holes big enough to hide the bodies of all the hobos I murder. That's the kind of man I need.