IN CIRCUMSTANCES OF EXTREME GUNGE

In circumstances of extreme gunge, one must go beyond the tools of washing liquid and sponge. Employment of fire, porcupines, shouting drill sargeants, alluring cartoon vamps (to lure the gunge away from it's current surface) are necessary. Psychological warfare in the battle against gunge is questionable, some claim success but truly scientific studies have never been carried out. In extreme cases it is recommended that one burn one's house down, relocate the ashes into a deep mine shaft, dig up the soil underneath for at least 17 feet and replace it with soil surreptitiously relocated from an Amish community, and have an emmisary from each religion wander around the edges of the property, dripping holy water or sage smoke or whatever substance is their go-to. One must take care to have these different religious emissaries rotating the property at a slightly different orbit so as not to have them crash into each other as they walk and mumble and burn sage.